one for the books

tonight was a memorable one. firstly, I would be lying if I told you that every day I go through this is painless and easy. I'm not happy all the time, and I'm certainly not always smiling. sometimes the reality of cancer punches you hard in the stomach. you are fine one minute and crying the next. to be honest with you, tonight I cried harder than I ever have since my diagnosis. now don't get me wrong, I'm most definitely a crier. I cry in movies, songs, at church, when I'm happy, or sad. tonight was more of a painful cry though. tonight the tears just came. I started to feel defeated. someone told me once that tears are liquid prayers. I do think crying can be one of the healthiest things a person can do. I cried not only in the natural tonight, but I cried out to God. the beautiful thing is I've never felt closer to the Holy Spirit than I have during these late nights, and I definitely know what it feels to be held tightly by my Heavenly Father. I know He sees all these tears, and He not only sees them, but knows what each one is for. so sometimes yes, I do feel a small defeat, or disheartened in a sense. but I can always take those worries to Him, knowing He cares so deeply for them. how amazing to think that He exchanges pain for healing, fear for peace, and sorrow for joy?


weeping may come for a night, but joy comes with the morning.

Last week I came across Laurann Gateley (@lala_islove) on Instagram (a social networking site). Her story touched me. Laurann has been battling Hodgkin's Lymphoma for the last 5 years, has gone through EIGHT rounds of chemo and a bone marrow transplant. The doctors told her last week that as far as the medical world is concerned, she is out of options. They also told her she only has weeks-months to live. 

But God is SO much bigger than those words that have been spoken, and Laurann knows that. She preaches Jesus with a smile on her face and doesn't give up. Her story has influenced more people than she could ever know, and I would encourage you to lift her up in prayer. I'm believing for her miracle more than I've probably ever believed for anything in my whole life. She needs breakthrough so desperately, and I truly believe that God is not finished with her yet. 

You can read her caring bridge site at: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/lalaislove 

Also, Laurann recently did an interview with her local news station. You can read it/ watch the video at: http://www.koco.com/news/30721001/detail.html#.T2iZiOAlCOU.facebook

thoughts regarding fear, sickness, doubt, and the like

Being in this hospital for some time, I've had a lot of time to think about sickness (haha obviously). All throughout my life, one of my biggest fears has been terminal illnesses. The thought of my family or myself having one scared me so much it would send me into panic attacks. Every little headache, sore throat, or bad feeling was accompanied by chilling fear. God really has a sense of humor, bringing me through facing exactly what I once was afraid of. But I have to say, since diagnosis, I've felt differently. That fear that once gripped me so tightly has truly faded away; because walking through this with Jesus has made it so surprisingly easy. (Matt 11:30)
My findings have been this: sickness is a shadow, fear is a shadow, and doubt is the package they come wrapped inside. (Psalm 23:4) There is nothing big enough to rob you of your joy. I promise you that.
If you have felt this way about sickness, please know you are not alone. The biggest lie of the enemy is that you are the only one feeling that way, but in fact, its the unoriginal devil's same old lie. And it is just a lie. Sickness has NO hold on your life. Isn't that wonderful?

For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. (2 Tim 1:7)

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. (Josh 1:9)

aaand we're back!

When I noticed that my last post was from spring of 2010, I was a little shocked at how time has flown by.

So I have decided to pick up my blog again.

I've dabbled with tumblr, and written a few actual blog-like posts, but lets be honest... Tumbling is not actually blogging. :)

Here you will find my musings, thoughts, things I find beautiful, and little talks about life.

I have several post ideas swirling around in my head, and I can't wait to share them!

I'm looking into making my blog look pretty too, I don't like what I picked for a template 2 and a half years ago... Ha.. If anyone has any ideas/suggestions for design, pleeeease let me know.

I'm not even so sure I love blogspot as a host anymore, so bear with me as I move back into this ;)

I hope you like what is to come!

In the meantime, here's what I've been up to in my personal life:

1. Finishing the best two years I have ever had doing my internship at my wonderful church. Read some of my favorite intern moments here.

2. Starting my first year of college. I'm a Political Science major and I love every second of it. (However, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. It changes daily. That is not an exaggeration)

3. Having the time of my life playing in a band with my best friends. We recorded our first EP, played lots of great shows, and are currently planning a bit of traveling. (but shhhh... I probably wasn't supposed to tell you that ;))

4. I was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia in January. It has been quite a journey. You can read my full story here.

The rest of my crazy life is currently on pause due to number 4, but that means I will have plenty of time to blog :)

cheers. I'll see you very soon!